He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
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It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
This makes total sense…
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?