The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
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Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
an airline just for babies.