Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
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“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”