But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
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The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
cats when you pet them too long:
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.