Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
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At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.