Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
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there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
#SCOTUS one-star review
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.