Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
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Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Weirdly Wednesday.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy