Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
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My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
181.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?