*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
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I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.