For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
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I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.