*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
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Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic: