My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
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[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
my mom making me talk to relatives
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente