Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
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Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.