When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
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H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
awkward
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins