Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
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Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.