Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
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Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM