I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
You Might Also Like
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
monday
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Dead sexy!!
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand