Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
You Might Also Like
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!