Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
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Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.