I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
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When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*