friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
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Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.