I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
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I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend