Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines