If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
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Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree