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FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
“what that mouth do?” complain
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.