A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
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What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”