Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
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That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.