Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
That’s fair
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
These 3D printers are insane!
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day