Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
You Might Also Like
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
welp
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.