Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
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One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Me, in DM rooms…
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.