waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
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Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
the #horror is real!
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.