hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
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Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
my dog when i have a friend over
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.