Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
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Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.