The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
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ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.