Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
I’m listening
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Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.
GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.