If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
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Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked