Word.
~ Microsoft.
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hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler