Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
You Might Also Like
Yes, this is exactly right
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Modded the new Gran Turismo
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.