Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
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Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue