Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
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Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
From Facebook just now…
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
North and South
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*