I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
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age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.