getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
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A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Not all heroes wear capes….
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever