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DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi