Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
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Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
me
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
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Cat armor
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Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank