why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
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“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry