My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
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If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
I am yelling
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Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.