Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
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Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail