Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead