Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
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Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?