Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
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Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
next question.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.